To: Pat Brady, Chairman, Illinois Republican Party
Fr: Will Caskey, Principal, Third Coast Research
We need to talk. It is not that I don’t appreciate the attention. I got a good laugh out of it back in August when I got a robocall from Rep. Joe Walsh urging me to go to his town hall, as if I haven’t called him and his voters every nasty name I can think of, here and elsewhere. And it was pretty funny when some hapless volunteer called me up urging me to vote against Rep. Elaine Nekritz, a Democratic state representative of I suppose some consequence, who is nevertheless in a different county and definitely not in Chicago. And don’t get me wrong, it is fantastic that Republicans are finally getting on board with people voting; I was of the distinct impression you view voting and access to it with suspicion at best.
But here’s the thing: you need to find whoever sold you that data file and 1) get your money back and 2) hit him with a blunt object.
I don’t know how I managed to get into your database of likely supporters for…well for whatever you Republicans get up to. The fact is, I don’t belong there. Ever. I don’t care how white and male I am or that I own a business or that I grew up in Louisiana or whatever other microdata you scrounge up (haha who am I kidding, you didn’t really do that! Nice one Pat). I’m a Democrat. I’ve voted in four out of four Democratic primaries. My household is double 4/4 D. In layman’s terms (no offense, it just seems like you need this spelled out) it is likelier that I am going to spontaneously levitate and set people on fire with my mind* than I am to vote GOP. Not only that, I give Democrats money! I give them a LOT of money! They give me a lot of money too; the transactions are hardly unidirectional here. And on a final note: I didn’t get an absentee ballot. I didn’t request one. I’ve never, ever voted absentee. So that robocall you just sent me today urging me to remember to send in the absentee ballot you mailed me is, well, gibberish. All that nasty stuff you said about President Obama was also gibberish, but you can’t change that; you’re only Republicans, after all.
Look I know I say a lot of mean things about Democrats. It’s my job to say mean things about Democrats sometimes! But this is just getting silly. I’m mean to Democrats with love. I’m mean because I care. Also you Republicans are revolting. Yes this is just my opinion, but it’s an opinion on many public records! You should know it by now!
So, free advice from a paid professional: get a real voter file. You’ll thank me later.
*You don’t want this. My potential targets for that are all Republican.